Damaged Goods, Ch. 20

He led me out the door, down the stairs, past the blaring music, and through the backdoor. It was the first time I had been out there. In fact, I remember during the first few days I was here that it must be a mess in the backyard because nobody went out there. I imagined long overgrown weeds and the fence half down. How wrong was I? We stepped out onto a beautifully polished deck with a matching swing attached. This was nothing like the front of the house and I was immediately taken back. There were small lights strewn about, illuminating a Zen garden. Really, a Zen garden! There were meditation rocks and waterfall that flowed into a small pond.

I breathed, “Amazing.”

“Do you like it?” He asked.

“Do I like it? Wow.” I responded.

I saw him, from the corner of my eye, watching me intently.

“Who would have ever thought this was here? And, why doesn’t the family spend more time back here? This is gorgeous.” There were steps off the side of the deck, leading to the garden. “May I?” I asked.

Critique of Damaged Goods, Ch. 5

Here's a great review I received this morning for Chapter 5 of Damaged Goods.  Yea, I'm super giddy today!


Hi again Melanie.

I love that transition in the last couple paragraphs! It's really super!
Also your dialogue is great - each character has their own distinctive language that suits they're physical description - if that makes sense.

Out of all the chapters so far I think Chapter 5 is my favorite. I don't have any suggestions for changes. I can visualize quite clearly what's happening in the story and it's interesting. If I were a pre-teen reading this I think I'd be riveted!

Thanks for the read - look forward to more,
Anne

A sunny November day...

Hey, ya'll (tee hee)... It's November 15th and the sun is shining, the sky is blue, I have a new boss in the office, and I've been slamming daily on the keyboard since the 1st. My story is coming along nicely (we're at the halfway mark) and I'm anxious to get to the end. Send the South Bay Writer's team extra encouragement as we're trying to beat Denver (but there still kicking our butts)!

Will let you know how the month finishes up!

On a side note - I love to lose myself in my characters. I love it when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "She needs to be darker." Or, "that character needs a story that explains their behavior." I love to make up their world and everything in it.

Happy Monday!
-Mel

From Damaged Goods, Chapter 7

She held up her arms and declared, “This is it.”

“This is what?” I wasn’t able to hide the confusion in my tone.

“This is the place that we stayed the night the man came for my sister. This is the place we would have come back to had Talon not rescued us. This is the place where the big dreams of Las Vegas die.”

And then she was silent. She didn’t look at the people, instead, she watched me as I watched them. I took in their tattered clothes, their dirty faces, and the sadness in the air. This was not a place I wanted to be now, let alone sleep and live. This is not a place that anyone should ever have to see. After a few moments of silence she said, “Do you see now?”
            “See what?” I didn’t understand. What exactly did she want me to see?

“Do you see why I am grateful to Talon and Lissa? They rescued us from ever having to return to this place, or any other homeless encampment. They are our friends, our family. We all take care of and protect each other. What we do is not wrong. It may not always be safe but it is not wrong. Talon makes sure that we get paid and as such, he gets some of that money. He deserves it.”

“Please, tell me what it is you do to entertain.” It was not a question, I was demanding an answer.